23 Funny Jerry Seinfeld Quotes & Lines

Jerome Allen Seinfeld is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, producer, and director. He has become the richest comedian in the world, with a net worth of almost $1 billion dollars.

We’ve put together this collection of the best Jerry Seinfeld quotes:


23 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

1. “A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.” – Jerry Seinfeld

2. “I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.” – Jerry Seinfeld

3. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

4. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.” – Jerry Seinfeld

5. “Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.” – Jerry Seinfeld

6. “The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!” – Jerry Seinfeld

7. “To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.” – Jerry Seinfeld

8. “Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” – Jerry Seinfeld

9. “A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld


10th of 23 Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

10. “I think it’s funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.” – Jerry Seinfeld


11. “Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.” – Jerry Seinfeld

12. “Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.” – Jerry Seinfeld

13. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” – Jerry Seinfeld

14. “The reactions of audiences are interesting.” – Jerry Seinfeld

15. “We were somewhat unsupervised. The audience was there and the network is not going to complain if everyone’s liking the show.” – Jerry Seinfeld

16. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” – Jerry Seinfeld

17. “But after they settle in you’ve still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you’re not doing well.” – Jerry Seinfeld

18. “It really was written and geared for a very specific audience, but our comedic strength trumps all of that. The subject matter, the dialogue, the tone isn’t right for most of America.” – Jerry Seinfeld

19. “Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.” – Jerry Seinfeld

20. “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.” – Jerry Seinfeld

21. “The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.” – Jerry Seinfeld

22. “There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld

23. “Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we’ve grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it’s notto be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.” – Jerry Seinfeld



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