30 Extremely Hysterical Chris Rock Quotes

Chris Rock is an American stand-up comedian, actor, director, producer, and writer. After making a name for himself in stand-up comedy, Rock moved into the movie industry, where he’s continued to thrive to this day.

We’ve put together a collection of the best Chris Rock quotes:


30 Chris Rock Quotes

1. “You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.” – Chris Rock

2. “I don’t get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there’s no rehab for stupidity.” – Chris Rock

3. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush’, ‘Dick’, and ‘Colon.’ Need I say more?” – Chris Rock

4. “Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you’re up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.” – Chris Rock

5. “It’s hard for a man to turn down sex… if they chase us, we can’t run that fast.” – Chris Rock

6. “Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.” – Chris Rock


7th of 30 Chris Rock Quotes

7. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock


8. “Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn’t even the star of his own Halloween special.” – Chris Rock

9. “If a woman tells you she’s twenty and looks sixteen, she’s twelve. If she tells you she’s twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she’s damn near forty.” – Chris Rock

10. “You don’t need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost $5000. $5000 for a bullet. You know why? ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there’d be no more innocent bystanders. … Every time someone gets shot, people will be like, “Damn, he must have did something. He put $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass!” N****s will say “I would blow your f***** head off–if I could afford it! I’m gonna get me another job, I’m gonna start saving some money, and then you’re dead man!. You better hope I can’t get no bullets on layaway!” – Chris Rock

11. “A man is only as faithful as his options.” – Chris Rock

12. “Much like rock ‘n’ roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites.” – Chris Rock

13. “Have you been watching American Idol? They have Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul judgin’ the singin. Paula Abdul?! Gettin’ Paula Abdul to judge a singin’ contest is like gettin’ Christopher Reeve to judge a dance contest!” – Chris Rock

14. “Aw, man, they gave ’em the Oscar on stage. Next they’re gonna give the Oscars in the parking lot. It’ll be like a drive-through Oscar lane. You get an Oscar and a McFlurry and keep on moving.” – Chris Rock


15th of 30 Chris Rock Quotes

15. “We got so much food in America we’re allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain’t allergic to shit. You think anyone in Rwanda’s got a fucking lactose intolerance?!” – Chris Rock


16. “I’ve never seen stunt casting that’s actually funny: ‘Oh, it’s Shaq,’ and then there’s some horrible excuse for him to dunk, … It’s, like, ‘We got a famous guy, and he’s gonna be famous tonight’ — and it sucks!” – Chris Rock

17. “George Bush hates midgets.” – Chris Rock

18. “So you gotta look at OJ’s situation. He’s paying $25,000 a month in alimony, got a another man driving around in his car and fucking his wife in a house he’s still paying the mortgage on. Now I’m not saying he should have killed her… but I understand.” – Chris Rock

19. “Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, ‘I was at Kevin’s house!’ A woman lie is like, ‘It’s your baby!’” – Chris Rock


20th of 30 Chris Rock Quotes

20. “Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn’t pay for the electricity, he’d pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.” – Chris Rock


21. “I’m watching the news … Tupac Shakur was assassinated, Biggie Smalls assassinated, struck down by assassin’s bullets … no, they wasn’t. Martin Luther King was assassinated, Malcolm X was assassinated, John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Them two niggas got shot! Shit, I love Tupac, I love Biggie, but school will be open on their birthday.” – Chris Rock

22. “I ain’t shooting nobody, so call me a faggot. When the war’s over, I’ll be the faggot with two legs.” – Chris Rock

23. “The government hates rap. That’s why they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line when it’s a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.” – Chris Rock

24. “I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.” – Chris Rock


25th of 30 Chris Rock Quotes

25. “Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.” – Chris Rock


26. “Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money, he’d jump out a f*****’ window and slit his throat on the way down saying, ‘I can’t even put gas in my plane!’” – Chris Rock

27. “Women would rule the world – if only they’d stop bitchin’ about each other.” – Chris Rock

28. “A bunch of girls say, ‘You don’t need no man to help you raise no child’ … shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Yeah, you could do it without a man, but that don’t mean it’s to be done! Shit, you can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!” – Chris Rock

29. “I’m a nerd. I’m a little guy…the last guy you’d expect in a romantic movie.” – Chris Rock

30. “I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.” – Chris Rock



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