32 Hilarious Amy Schumer Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Amy Schumer is an American comedian and actress.

Schumer ventured into comedy in the early 2000s and she has also been the creator, co-producer, co-writer and star of the Comedy Central sketch comedy series ‘Inside Amy Schumer’ for which she received numerous awards for.

We’ve put together this incredible collection of the most hilarious Amy Schumer quotes of all time:


32 Amy Schumer Quotes

1.”I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up on stage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say: ‘He’s a thinker.’” – Amy Schumer

2.“The difference between sex and love is I’ve never come from love.” – Amy Schumer

3..“The best advice my mother gave me was to ‘be a lady.’ But I never really knew what that meant, and obviously didn’t take to it.” – Amy Schumer

4.“We have to be a role model for these little girls, because who do they have? All they have really is the Kardashians … And like, we used to have Khloé. Khloé was ours, right? Whenever there’s a group of women, you identify with one of them … Khloé, she lost half her body weight. She lost a Kendall! We have nothing. I want good role models.” – Amy Schumer

5.“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. You will not determine my story — I will. I will speak and share and fuck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it.” – Amy Schumer

6.“My vagina’s right where it should be.” – Amy Schumer

7.“This is where my poo comes out. Talkin’ ‘bout my fudge machine.” – Amy Schumer

8.“I’d like to be the guardian of Chris Pratt’s ass.” – Amy Schumer

9.“ If convicted, the next time you put on a rerun of The Cosby Show, you might wince a little. … We deserve to dance like no one’s watching, and watch like no one’s raping.” – Amy Schumer


10th of 32 Amy Schumer Quotes

10. “Respect the kill.” – Amy Schumer


11.“In L.A., my arms register as legs.” – Amy Schumer

12.“JJ’s a sweetheart. He’s just missing, like, charisma, humility, and sense of humor.” – Amy Schumer

13.“I’m sorry, were you flirting with that beer?” – Amy Schumer

14.“I’m probably like 160 pounds right now and can catch a dick whenever I want.” – Amy Schumer

15.“You know when you’re doing interviews, and the person sees someone more important behind you? It’s like being at a party and there’s a hotter girl behind you, and they just want you to drop dead. So I saw the reporter do that, and all the reporters were going crazy, and it was Kim and Kanye, just standing there, owning it, just being short and important. And I think falling is the funniest thing, so I just took a dive in front of them and pretended like I fell.” – Amy Schumer

16.“My prince? … Turns out, I’m not really comfortable sleeping with a close relative and also, I just turned 14.” – Amy Schumer

17.“A guy could be talking to two women at a party, and one is beautiful and just won the Nobel Prize in Literature, and the other is slight, just slightly hotter and, like, has an interview at H&M in the morning. And ten times out of ten, you know how that’s going to go.” – Amy Schumer

18.“My mom told me I didn’t need to shave my legs above the knee. I’m basically like Christopher Robin down there.” – Amy Schumer

19.“You’re supposed to be really excited about a big penis, but when you’re faced with one, it’s like a unicorn — in theory, you’ve always wanted to see one up close but if it were ever standing in front of you, you’d be like Fuck that and you would run. You’d be like, Oh, it’s actually a horse with a weapon on its head.” – Amy Schumer


20th of 32 Amy Schumer Quotes

20.“Thank you so much for asking. Once I realized I had more eyes and ears on me and had an influence I stopped telling jokes like that on stage. I am evolving as an artist. I am taking responsibility and hope I haven’t hurt anyone. And I apologize if I did. Thanks again for asking.” – Amy Schumer


21.“That’s the Hollywood secret: Don’t put food in your dumb mouth!” – Amy Schumer

22.“I had my annual Pap smear. I got to go back to annual Paps because there’s no HPV detectable in my system. We had a lot of laughs. [My gynecologist] kind of got something stuck in her throat while she was examining me, but from where I was sitting, it seemed like she was kind of gagging looking at my vagina. But it’s always nice to see her.” – Amy Schumer

23.“At the Glamour Women of the Year Awards … Katie Couric is like, ‘Oh my God, my husband is here … should I go to talk to him?’ I was like, ‘I don’t know, Katie Couric. That’s your husband. I guess?’ And I look and she left her phone open to texts from him. So don’t worry, I didn’t do anything, except I picked it up and I just without even thinking texted him: ‘I want to have anal tonight,’ and I sent it.” – Amy Schumer

24.“For women, we’re taught to eat less until we disappear. And trained to believe that if you don’t look like everyone else, then you’re unlovable. And men are not trained that way. Men can look like whatever and still date a supermodel. I’m proud of what I said. I think it’s good to see somebody saying: I have a belly.” – Amy Schumer

25.“I don’t try to be a feminist. I just am. It’s innately inside me. I have no interest in trying to be the perfect feminist, but I do believe feminists are in good hands with me.” – Amy Schumer


26th of 32 Amy Schumer Quotes

26.“It says Happy Birthday. Because it was your birthday. You’re a supermodel, and you’re dating Jake Gyllenhaal, but I am living here, and I am eating this. So good. ‘You are a princess.’ Yes I am. Yes we can, I am.” – Amy Schumer


27.“I’m not going to shut up. And I think people only want women to speak for so long. They build you up, and then they’re just ready to tear you down. Like Hillary — when it’s really gone time for her, I’ll definitely be active, and that’ll make people hate me.” – Amy Schumer

28.“More than anything, the story of this girl [in Trainwreck] was really important for me to tell … We’re so quick to label somebody: ‘She’s a drunk slut, got it.’ But I want to look at nature and nurture that got her there.” – Amy Schumer

29.“Make sure he knows that you’re entitled to an orgasm. I like to say it. I’ll be like, ‘Hey, there are two people here.’ I’ll be like, ‘Oh my God, have you met my clit?’” – Amy Schumer

30.“Did your dick get stung by 90 bees?” – Amy Schumer

31.“Thanks, everybody who has helped me. Thanks to the girl who gave me this sort of a smoky eye. I really love it.” – Amy Schumer

32.“This has been an insane year for me. I made two New Year’s resolutions. No. 1, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And No. 2 was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it. Same? Same?” – Amy Schumer



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