40 Hilariously Funny Jay Leno Quotes

Jay Leno has changed many people’s lives through his funny speeches. There are a huge collection of funny Jay Leno quotes. Every quote is worth to be remembered.

Therefore I’ve gathered a list of 40 hilarious quotes of Jay Leno, that hopefully will make you laugh.

As always remember to share these with all of your friends and family and other Jay Leno fans.


40 Hilariously Funny Jay Leno Quotes

1. “According to this week’s Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently, he likes working out because it ‘clears his mind.’ Sometimes it works a little too well.” – Jay Leno

2. “He seemed a little scripted in his speech.” – Jay Leno

3. “Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window!” – Jay Leno

4. “Kerry’s said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn’t even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger.” – Jay Leno

5. “I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good? Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.” – Jay Leno

6. “A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He’s a law student, so he probably doesn’t need it, but still, that’s not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, ‘Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.” – Jay Leno

7. “You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh – it’s as simple as that.” – Jay Leno

8. “I believe this is the first time in the history of the race where the pace car has more horsepower than the actual race car. So theoretically, I could blow them into the weeds.” – Jay Leno

9. “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno


10th of 40 Jay Leno Quotes

10. “Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren’t bad people; they’re just acquaintances.” – Jay Leno


11. “Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic, isn’t it? The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn’t do coke goes to Columbia.” – Jay Leno


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12. “Marriage is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.” – Jay Leno


13. “Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn’t evolve for another million years. They’re afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?” – Jay Leno

14. “President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can’t even get this in Florida.” – Jay Leno

15. “In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the ‘economy of privilege.’ Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.” – Jay Leno

16. “In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.” – Jay Leno

17. “President Bush said for security reasons, he’s sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it’s not like that speaking thing was working out so good.” – Jay Leno

18. “More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy – he’s one of their own.” – Jay Leno

19. “A week later, President Bush said his administration’s response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said ‘Hey, don’t blame me, I was on vacation.’ … The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.” – Jay Leno


20th of 40 Jay Leno Quotes

20. “Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that’s why they never hit any home runs. It’s a safety issue.” – Jay Leno


21. “CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.” – Jay Leno


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22. “If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.” – Jay Leno


23.”Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.” – Jay Leno


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24. “I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you’re not the best, so you should work a little harder.” – Jay Leno


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25.”The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.” – Jay Leno


26. “I went into a McDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at the counter said, “Would you like some fries with that?” – Jay Leno

27. “Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day.” – Jay Leno

28. “Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.” – Jay Leno

29.”Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.” – Jay Leno


30th of 40 Jay Leno Quotes

30. “For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn’t that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you’re average – hey, let’s get a pizza!” – Jay Leno


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31. “Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!” – Jay Leno


32. “”Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good ‘old days when only qualified people ran for offices like actors and professional wrestlers.” – Jay Leno

33.”You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.” – Jay Leno

34. “The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.” – Jay Leno

35. “Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they’re getting back together. You know what that means? There’s still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.” Jay Leno

36. “If you don’t want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.” – Jay Leno

37. “You can’t stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.” – Jay Leno

38. “The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don’t want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they’ll just be known as the Bullets.” – Jay Leno

39.”The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they’re all lining up.” – Jay Leno


40th of 40 Jay Leno Quotes

40. “Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?” – Jay Leno



Thanks for checking out the list of Jay Leno’s quotes, and I hope you’re filled with motivation and inspiration. Be sure to share this article with your friends and family using the share bar below the video.

Which are your favorite Jay Leno quotes? Leave a comment below.

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