555+ funny office quotes status 2021

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one line funny office quotes

I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow. — Dwight Schrute

Everything I have I owe to this job…this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job. – Jim Halpert

And I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. – Pam Beesley

I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. – Angela Martin

When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that. – Pam Beesley

And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott

I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to. – Ryan Howard

Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for. — Kelly Kapoor

I am Beyonce, always. — Michael Scott

I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated. – Angela Martin

If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward? – Creed Bratton

I say dance, they say ‘How high?’ — Michael Scott

I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket. – Kevin Malone

As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one. – Phyllis Lapin-Vance

Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. — Dwight Schrute

I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor

I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Maybe we weren’t right together, but it’s weird. I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love? – Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak)

Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

My future isn’t going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It’s going to be determined by two big black balls. – Darryl Philbin (Craig Robinson)

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before … try. – Jim Halpert (John Krasinski)

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice. – Michael Scott

When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader. – Creed Bratton (Creed Bratton)

I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin though. – Creed Bratton

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

How are you not murdered every hour? – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)

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best funny office quotes

I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

1I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get and go sit in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch was paid for. That is the life. – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)

Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that? – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

I am Beyonce, always. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

You guys I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that’s why it’s a joke. – Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak)

It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space. – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)

Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. – Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer)

I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good. – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)

I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Most people don’t even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd’s crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk’ – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

Well, well, well, how the turntables. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Don’t forget to also read these hilarious Dwight Schrute quotes.

I mean, I’m not a slut but who knows. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn’t even talk yet. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Holly is ruining Michael’s life. He thinks she is so special, and she’s so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she’s a perfect 40. It’s nuts. – Erin Hannon (Ellie Kemper)

I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

I have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave. – Toby Flenderson (Paul Lieberstein)

Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world: all show, no meat. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)

Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers. – Oscar Martinez

Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. – Kevin Malone

I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid. – Phyllis Lapin-Vance

It’s true. Around this office in the past I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. – Stanley Hudson

I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. – Creed Bratton

A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard. – Ryan Howard

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new funny office quotes

No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them. — Michael Scott

Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat. – Pam Beesley

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. – Angela Martin

Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes? – Oscar Martinez

An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true. – Michael Scott

I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station. – Creed Bratton

I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number. – Kevin Malone

The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat. – Angela Martin

So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books. – Jim Halpert

If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die. – Stanley Hudson

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. — Michael Scott

Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website. Which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard. – Oscar Martinez

The worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Michael Scott

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year. – Dwight Schrute

Oh I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter. – Phyllis Lapin-Vance

You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. – Pam Beesley

Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised. – Michael Scott

I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in ‘Meet the Parents.’ Needless to say, she was very, very expensive. – Angela Martin

I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there. – Kelly Kapoor

I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party. – Pam Beesley

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott

I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. – Kevin Malone

Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat. — Dwight Schrute

My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real. – Jim Halpert

No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there? – Michael Scott

I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs. – Phyllis Lapin-Vance

Oh you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy? – Creed Bratton

Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause. – Kelly Kapoor

Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three. — Michael Scott

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela Martin

Today, smoking is going to save lives. – Dwight Schrute

I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo. – Angela Martin

It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try. – Jim Halpert

I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life. – Stanley Hudson

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fb funny office quotes

The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it. – Kevin MaloneRelated: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made Of

How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair? – Pam Beesley

Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say Ryan Howard is a temp. It will say Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm… That’ll show ’em. – Ryan Howard

I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working. — Michael Scott

Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that? — Kelly Kapoor

I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. – Creed Bratton

I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. – Pam Beesley

I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. – Michael Scott

I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it. – Angela Martin

If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people. – Dwight Schrute

We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom. – Phyllis Lapin-Vance

If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too. – Ryan Howard

I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible. — Michael Scott

I am a black belt in gift wrapping. – Jim Halpert

The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters. – Kevin Malone

Who is Justice Beaver? — Dwight Schrute

I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock. — Michael Scott

Newsflash: You are not special. – Stanley Hudson

I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital? — Standley Hudson

I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me. – Pam Beesley

Tell him to call me ASAP as possible. — Michael Scott

I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. – Stanley Hudson

Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice? – Jim HalpertRelated: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope Lines

Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. — Kelly Kapoor

I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday. — Michael Scott

I want to be wine and dined and sixty nined. – Kevin Malone

Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking. – Ryan Howard

Dwight you ignorant sl**. — Michael Scott

I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport. – Creed Bratton

Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can’t just whore it out. – Angela Martin

I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pamy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pamy. – Pam Beesley

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insta funny office quotes

It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too. — Stanley Hudson

I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. — Michael Scott

I mean, I’m not a slut but who knows. — Kelly Kapoor

Michael is leaving. And apparently they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork-wise. – Oscar Martinez

Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout. – Phyllis Lapin-Vance

I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day. – Stanley Hudson

Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton. – Creed Bratton

Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. — Michael Scott

There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point? – Pam Beesly

I’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off? — Stanley Hudson

I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther. — Dwight Schrute

There are always a million reasons not to do something — Jan Levinson

It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. — Dwight

Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online. — Dwight

When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go. — Creed Bratton

You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. — Creed Bratton

Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott (Season 5, The Duel)

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)

And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott (Season 5, Stress Relief: Part 1)

I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them. – Andy Bernard (Season 9, Finale)

I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike. – Michael Scott (Season 1, Hot Girl)

The worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Michael Prison Mike Scott (Season 3, The Convict)

In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby. – Dwight Schrute (Season 7, Viewing Party)

Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott (Season 2, The Fight)

’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’ — Dwight Schrute (Season 6, Mafia)

I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30. – Michael Scott (Season 6, Scott’s Tots)

Joke’s on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist. – Michael Scarn (Season 7, Threat Level Midnight)

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. – Dwight Schrute (Season 6, Koi Pond)

I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott (Season 6, The Chump)

Abraham Lincoln once said that ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North, and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace. – Michael Scott (Season 1, Diversity Day)

I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. – Pam Beesly (Season 2, The Dundies)

I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Money)

As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. – Michael Scott (Season 5, Moroccan Christmas)

I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it. – Deangelo Vickers (Season 7, Goodbye Michael)

I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke. – Michael Scott (Season 6, Koi Pond)

That is sort of an oaky afterbirth. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Dinner Party)

Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. – Pam Beesly

The rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. – Michael Scott (Season 2, The Injury)

Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did… – Michael Scott

In the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas. – Dwight Schrute

You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Survivor Man)

They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!? – Michael Scott (Season 5, The Michael Scott Paper Company)

The eyes are the groin of the face. — Dwight Schrute (Season 4, Branch Wars)

Did I stutter? – Stanley Hudson (Season 4, Did I Stutter)

I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl, so I’m wise and have worms. – Michael Scott

I don’t care what they say about me, I just wanna eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party. – Pam Beesly (Season 4, Dinner Party)

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)

You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party. – Michael Scott (Season 5, Cafe Disco)

Hey Goldenface! Go puck yourself! – Michael Scarn (Season 7, Threat Level Midnight)

Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself. – Kelly Kapoor

I work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break. – Kevin Malone (Season 4, Survivor Man)

Hey Mister Scott, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Make our dreams come true! Hey Mister Scott, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Make our dreams come true! – Students (Season 6, Scott’s Tots)

Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK. – Michael Scott (Season 7, Goodbye Michael)

Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And, Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through…[draws a question mark] Delusion. – Jim Halpert (Season 5, Baby Shower)

I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? – Kelly Kapoor (Season 4, Night Out)

It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong. And if you don’t like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too. – Stanley Hudson (Season 4, Did I Stutter)

This is a dream that I’ve had…since lunch…and I’m not giving it up now. – Michael Scott (Season 5, The Michael Scott Paper Company)

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