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I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow. — Dwight SchruteEverything I have I owe to this job…this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job. – Jim HalpertAnd I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. – Pam BeesleyI normally don’t enjoy making people laugh. – Angela MartinWhen you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that. – Pam BeesleyAnd I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael ScottI miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to. – Ryan HowardSometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for. — Kelly KapoorI am Beyonce, always. — Michael ScottI find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated. – Angela MartinIf I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward? – Creed BrattonI say dance, they say ‘How high?’ — Michael ScottI wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket. – Kevin MaloneAs a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one. – Phyllis Lapin-VanceJim told me you could buy gay-dar online. — Dwight SchruteI talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out. – Kelly KapoorI knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Maybe we weren’t right together, but it’s weird. I’d rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love? – Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak)Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Nothing stresses me out. Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)My future isn’t going to be determined by seven little white lotto balls. It’s going to be determined by two big black balls. – Darryl Philbin (Craig Robinson)I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before … try. – Jim Halpert (John Krasinski)If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice. – Michael ScottWhen someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)I’ve been involved in a number of cults both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower but you make more money as a leader. – Creed Bratton (Creed Bratton)I talk a lot, so I learn to tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)The Taliban is the worst. Great heroin though. – Creed BrattonWould I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)How are you not murdered every hour? – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)
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best funny office quotes
I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)1I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get and go sit in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch was paid for. That is the life. – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that? – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)I am Beyonce, always. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)You guys I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)There is no such thing as an appropriate joke, that’s why it’s a joke. – Ryan Howard (B.J. Novak)It’s better to be hurt by someone you know accidentally, than by a stranger on purpose. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So he’s not really a part of our family. Also he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space. – Stanley Hudson (Leslie David Baker)Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. – Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer)I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Why are all these people here? There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)Tough day. Yes. But I feel good. I put the office in their place, took a bunch of painkillers, drank a bottle of wine, took my pants off. I just feel good. – Andy Bernard (Ed Helms)I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Most people don’t even know that a candy cane represents a shepherd’s crook. Which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up, I would definitely not go. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk’ – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)Well, well, well, how the turntables. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Don’t forget to also read these hilarious Dwight Schrute quotes.I mean, I’m not a slut but who knows. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)When I was five, I imagined that there was such a thing as a unicorn. And this was before I had even heard of one, or seen one. I just drew a picture of a horse, that could fly over rainbows, and a had a huge spike in its head. I was five! Five-years-old. Couldn’t even talk yet. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Holly is ruining Michael’s life. He thinks she is so special, and she’s so not. Her personality is like a 3. Her sense of humor is a 2. Her ears are like a 7 and a 4. Add it all up and what do you get? 16. And he treats her like she’s a perfect 40. It’s nuts. – Erin Hannon (Ellie Kemper)I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)I have six roommates, which are better than friends because they have to give you one month’s notice before they leave. – Toby Flenderson (Paul Lieberstein)Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world: all show, no meat. – Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson)Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for. – Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling)Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers. – Oscar MartinezMe think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick. – Kevin MaloneI’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid. – Phyllis Lapin-VanceIt’s true. Around this office in the past I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die. – Stanley HudsonI wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel. – Creed BrattonA few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard. – Ryan Howard
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No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them. — Michael ScottDwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat. – Pam BeesleyI’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael ScottSometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy. – Angela MartinLook, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes? – Oscar MartinezAn office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true. – Michael ScottI run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station. – Creed BrattonI got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number. – Kevin MaloneThe man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat. – Angela MartinSo this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books. – Jim HalpertIf I don’t have some cake soon, I might die. – Stanley HudsonGuess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. — Michael ScottWell, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website. Which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard. – Oscar MartinezThe worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Michael ScottIdentity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year. – Dwight SchruteOh I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter. – Phyllis Lapin-VanceYou know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you. – Pam BeesleyDo I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised. – Michael ScottI am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in ‘Meet the Parents.’ Needless to say, she was very, very expensive. – Angela MartinI don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there. – Kelly KapoorI don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party. – Pam BeesleyWould I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael ScottI just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. – Kevin MalonePowerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat. — Dwight SchruteMy roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real. – Jim HalpertNo, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there? – Michael ScottI wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs. – Phyllis Lapin-VanceOh you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy? – Creed BrattonLook, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause. – Kelly KapoorFool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three. — Michael ScottSometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls. – Angela MartinToday, smoking is going to save lives. – Dwight SchruteI don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo. – Angela MartinIt is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try. – Jim HalpertI have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life. – Stanley Hudson
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The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it. – Kevin MaloneRelated: These Funny Comebacks And Insults Are What Our Minds Are Really Made OfHow is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair? – Pam BeesleyYeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my ten year high school reunion, it will not say Ryan Howard is a temp. It will say Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm… That’ll show ’em. – Ryan HowardI guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working. — Michael ScottWho says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that? — Kelly KapoorI’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader. – Creed BrattonYes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space. – Stanley HudsonI’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts. – Pam BeesleyI am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. – Michael ScottI once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it. – Angela MartinIf I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people. – Dwight SchruteWe have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom. – Phyllis Lapin-VanceIf I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too. – Ryan HowardI don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible. — Michael ScottYou guys I’m like really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me, Kelly what’s the biggest company in the world? And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer. — Kelly KapoorI am a black belt in gift wrapping. – Jim HalpertThe people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters. – Kevin MaloneWho is Justice Beaver? — Dwight SchruteI want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock. — Michael ScottNewsflash: You are not special. – Stanley HudsonI do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital? — Standley HudsonI hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me. – Pam BeesleyTell him to call me ASAP as possible. — Michael ScottI do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. – Stanley HudsonStanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice? – Jim HalpertRelated: Treat Yo’ Self To 100+ ‘Parks And Recreation’ Quotes And Classic Leslie Knope LinesUltimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself. — Kelly KapoorI love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday. — Michael ScottI want to be wine and dined and sixty nined. – Kevin MaloneLast year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking. – Ryan HowardDwight you ignorant sl**. — Michael ScottI already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A baby. And as backup I have a Swiss passport. – Creed BrattonYour body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can’t just whore it out. – Angela MartinI have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pamy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pamy. – Pam Beesley
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It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too. — Stanley HudsonI would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers. — Michael ScottI mean, I’m not a slut but who knows. — Kelly KapoorMichael is leaving. And apparently they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork-wise. – Oscar MartinezClose your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout. – Phyllis Lapin-VanceI wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day. – Stanley HudsonNobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton. – Creed BrattonAny man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable. — Michael ScottThere’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point? – Pam BeeslyI’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off? — Stanley HudsonI’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther. — Dwight SchruteThere are always a million reasons not to do something — Jan LevinsonIt’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work. — DwightJim told me you could buy gay-dar online. — DwightWhen Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go. — Creed BrattonYou know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated. — Creed BrattonSometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way. – Michael Scott (Season 5, The Duel)I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott (Season 5, Stress Relief: Part 1)I wish there was a way to know you’re in the good old days, before you’ve actually left them. – Andy Bernard (Season 9, Finale)I live by one rule: No office romances, no way. Very messy, inappropriate…no. But, I live by another rule: Just do it…Nike. – Michael Scott (Season 1, Hot Girl)The worst thing about prison was the dementors. – Michael Prison Mike Scott (Season 3, The Convict)In the Schrute family, the youngest child raises the others. I’ve been raising children since I was a baby. – Dwight Schrute (Season 7, Viewing Party)Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me. – Michael Scott (Season 2, The Fight)’R’ is among the most menacing of sounds. That’s why they call it ‘murder’ and not ‘mukduk.’ — Dwight Schrute (Season 6, Mafia)I’m not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was 30, but I wasn’t even close. Then I thought maybe by 40, but by 40 I had less money than I did when I was 30. – Michael Scott (Season 6, Scott’s Tots)Joke’s on you Goldenface, that man was a wanted animal rapist. – Michael Scarn (Season 7, Threat Level Midnight)Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. – Dwight Schrute (Season 6, Koi Pond)I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott (Season 6, The Chump)Abraham Lincoln once said that ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North, and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace. – Michael Scott (Season 1, Diversity Day)I feel God in this Chili’s tonight. – Pam Beesly (Season 2, The Dundies)I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Money)As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. – Michael Scott (Season 5, Moroccan Christmas)I used to be obese. Once you’ve conquered obesity, everything else is easy. Life literally moves in slow motion. I’m not saying I’m Superman, but let me just put it this way. If I were shot in the head, I’m pretty sure everything would be fine. I’d almost welcome it. – Deangelo Vickers (Season 7, Goodbye Michael)I’m not usually the butt of the joke. I’m usually the face of the joke. – Michael Scott (Season 6, Koi Pond)That is sort of an oaky afterbirth. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Dinner Party)Every so often, Jim dies of boredom. – Pam BeeslyThe rules of shotgun are very simple and very clear. The first person to shout ‘shotgun’ when you’re within sight of the car gets the front seat. That’s how the game’s played. There are no exceptions for someone with a concussion. – Michael Scott (Season 2, The Injury)Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did… – Michael ScottIn the end, the greatest snowball isn’t a snowball at all. It’s fear. Merry Christmas. – Dwight SchruteYou are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Survivor Man)They always say that it’s a mistake to hire your friends. And they are right. So, I hired my best friends. And this is what I get!? – Michael Scott (Season 5, The Michael Scott Paper Company)The eyes are the groin of the face. — Dwight Schrute (Season 4, Branch Wars)Did I stutter? – Stanley Hudson (Season 4, Did I Stutter)I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl, so I’m wise and have worms. – Michael ScottI don’t care what they say about me, I just wanna eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party. – Pam Beesly (Season 4, Dinner Party)Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. – Michael Scott (Season 4, Fun Run)You all took a life here today. You did. The life of the party. – Michael Scott (Season 5, Cafe Disco)Hey Goldenface! Go puck yourself! – Michael Scarn (Season 7, Threat Level Midnight)Ultimatums are key. Basically nobody does anything for me unless I threaten to kill myself. – Kelly KapoorI work hard all day. I like knowing that there’s going to be a break. Most days I just sit and wait for the break. – Kevin Malone (Season 4, Survivor Man)Hey Mister Scott, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Make our dreams come true! Hey Mister Scott, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do? Make our dreams come true! – Students (Season 6, Scott’s Tots)Whether you’re scared of dying, or dying alone, or dying drunk in a ditch, don’t be. It’s going to be OK. – Michael Scott (Season 7, Goodbye Michael)Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor. And, Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight. Now, this baby will be related to Michael through…[draws a question mark] Delusion. – Jim Halpert (Season 5, Baby Shower)I have a lot of questions. Number one, how dare you? – Kelly Kapoor (Season 4, Night Out)It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong. And if you don’t like it you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife and I’ll say it to my next one, too. – Stanley Hudson (Season 4, Did I Stutter)This is a dream that I’ve had…since lunch…and I’m not giving it up now. – Michael Scott (Season 5, The Michael Scott Paper Company)